i look back on the previous year and can scarcely believe that it's been my year. a year i've lived through - a year i've spent every moment engaging with myself and my environment. i think of all the moments i've sat in frustrating grappling with myself to understand and trust that everything happens for a reason and i can't help but smile at the irony of the universal play. and that play still continues - continually challenging and inspiring me to god knows what!!

i'm 23. i'm 20 freeking 3 years old and i still can't tell my ass from my elbow! there's a silent amusement in the fact that i still enjoy (so-called) childish pleasures. my world lights up when i see the sound vibrations in a bowl of water, when i plunge my hand(s) into a bowl of rice or mung (or any bean/grain) or when i allow my paint brush free-reign on my canvas. the truth is i'm a modern day peter-pan. or rather - peter-pamela? the thought of growing up scares the living daylights out of me and i find myself at a point in my life where it's do or die time. lets be reasonable. choosing not to grow up wouldn't be the smartest idea right now, especially since i've had a taste of the perks of grown-up-life having lived on my own for some time. and yet, i find myself cringing at the thought of marriage, work, career, children, house - home, the white picket fence - aaagh, the list goes on. inevitably, it seems that the moment work and career is settled the next (so-called) logical step is marriage and thereafter children and thereafter their marriage and thereafter retirement - and here is where i stop!!! yes, i do realize, i'm making excuses, but i also am highly aware that phobia is beyond reason.

hi. my name is yogita (chorus: hi yogita).

and i'm afraid of growing up.