i look back on the previous year and can scarcely believe that it's been my year. a year i've lived through - a year i've spent every moment engaging with myself and my environment. i think of all the moments i've sat in frustrating grappling with myself to understand and trust that everything happens for a reason and i can't help but smile at the irony of the universal play. and that play still continues - continually challenging and inspiring me to god knows what!!

i'm 23. i'm 20 freeking 3 years old and i still can't tell my ass from my elbow! there's a silent amusement in the fact that i still enjoy (so-called) childish pleasures. my world lights up when i see the sound vibrations in a bowl of water, when i plunge my hand(s) into a bowl of rice or mung (or any bean/grain) or when i allow my paint brush free-reign on my canvas. the truth is i'm a modern day peter-pan. or rather - peter-pamela? the thought of growing up scares the living daylights out of me and i find myself at a point in my life where it's do or die time. lets be reasonable. choosing not to grow up wouldn't be the smartest idea right now, especially since i've had a taste of the perks of grown-up-life having lived on my own for some time. and yet, i find myself cringing at the thought of marriage, work, career, children, house - home, the white picket fence - aaagh, the list goes on. inevitably, it seems that the moment work and career is settled the next (so-called) logical step is marriage and thereafter children and thereafter their marriage and thereafter retirement - and here is where i stop!!! yes, i do realize, i'm making excuses, but i also am highly aware that phobia is beyond reason.

hi. my name is yogita (chorus: hi yogita).

and i'm afraid of growing up.

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i can't believe i'm back.

soon, it will be 4 months since my return from india and yet, it feels like a lifetime. so much has happened in between that i seem to lose track of time as the days pass. being back is a blessing no doubt, but naturally quite a disappointment. i keep thinking 'was mysore that bad?' and the honest answer is no. however, when i think about the university my toes curl and i'm left with sad, frustrating memories of a potentially amazing experience gone very very wrong. i could go into philosophizing about this for pages and pages, but i think it simply boils down to this little thing called life. just when you think you've figured it out – it bites you in the butt just to let you know who's boss. and in the meanwhile, your left to pick up the pieces and carry on the journey... for what else is there to do!!

i look back on my time in india and can scarcely believe i was there or believe the things i did. for me, india was an amazing experience – madness aside. i learnt more about myself and about life than i ever thought possible and i learnt that my boundaries are further than i thought. i could go on with the i learnt list forever, but essentially – my spirit has grown from this experience and the learning?? nothing short of fantastic. i may not have gained academically from india, but in terms of life – i'm a freeking billionaire!!! it can only get better from here...

so... i'm back in s.a and getting back on my horse. i'm eager and excited to start studying again, so project number 1 is re-establishing the passion and getting back on the study wagon. i have no idea where, when or how, but it will happen. i'm determined to make it happen! and no, i'm not looking for a job – and heavens no – i really don't intend on going back to my old job in jozi... mind numbing is definitely not on my to-do list this time round. i've been moving between anthropology and international relations, but deep down inside, i know that i'm an anthro girl through and through.

coming back to s.a has been hard and difficult. i feel like the s.a i left and the s.a i came back to are two different places. i'm really concerned with the recent upsurge in xenophobic violence only because i wonder what kind of an example is this for the youth. young minds are learning at an impressionable age that violence is the way to resolve issues and furthermore that there is no retribution for violent behaviour. these are the future citizens of south africa, these are the children who will grow into acting members of society – what awaits them and how will they deal with it? it is proven that children learn through imitation, i shudder to think of the long-term consequences.

righty'o... that's me for now. hopefully the next one won't be as late as this one was!

adieu...

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